A Journey Full of Surprises

WOW! Sorry for my absence, oh my reader(s)! It's been quite a summer. Barely had time to breath let alone write. But, now that the heat of summer has left and cool, calm fall is here hopefully I will become a bit more diligent about posting. So much to tell you all!

It's been one crazy summer with Loki. He and I have had so many adventures, big and small, sexual and otherwise. I think we've grown a lot in each others' company. Soon I will tell you more about our experiences with collaring and puppy play, attempts at learning ropes, switching things up and other fun and excitement. I'll be updating Loki's blog, too, with new stories.

But for now, dear reader, let me close with this: domination and submission can take many forms - physically, mentally and emotionally. For me, this has forced me to examine my own needs and desires, insecurities and fears very closely. And if you want to incorporate this kind of dynamic into a more than casual relationship I think it takes very clear and open communication. There is a lot of potential for abuse of the power given to the dominant and both parties need to be clear on expectations and limits before proceeding. If the trust that the submissive places in the dominant is broken, even in an otherwise strong relationship, the dynamic of the relationship may change.
As a dominant, stay aware of your submissive and do not betray that gift of trust. Listen to what they are saying. As the one in charge, you are responsible for their well-being in the end (even when the desired result is pain or humiliation). If you find yourself unable to control your emotions in a situation step back and cool off before proceeding. Take a moment to reflect on your intended action, its motivation, and the possible consequences. I say this from experience now having been a dominant and a submissive in good scenes and, well, not so good scenes.

Each scene, good or not, has been a learning experience and has helped me grow and become better each time I think (though I still have A LOT to learn). I see my role as a dominant to provide my submissive with a safe experience that fulfills their desires as much as my own because I am their provider and caregiver. Their mental and physical safety is my responsibility.

In my future posts, I plan on sharing more of my personal thoughts on domination and submission. Sure, my experience has been limited to one partner in the arena of D/s in a sexual context, but I have been amazed what I've learned about myself and so many of my relationships with others outside that context as well. And I'd love to hear your stories and ideas on this and other subjects, so keep in touch!

Lessons learned

Things learned this weekend with Loki:

• courage and strength
• trust
• respect and self-respect
  
• pride
• a new understanding of the limits of love
• a new understanding of the limitless forms of love
• hope

What an amazing, wonderful, emotional, exhausting, fun weekend!
More on the subject to come soon - so much to process still.

Preparations

Very excited about another weekend with my pup/slave Loki. Unfortunately for us, he lives in NYC and I'm upstate right now. We're really hoping to correct this situation this summer/fall, but for now, we're enjoying weekend get-aways and lots of phone calls.

So, unfortunately this week, Loki broke one of our "rules" and forgot to ask permission to masturbate. I've considered giving him a break since it's masturbation month, but I really feel I need to establish firm control at this point, and don't want to let him get away with anything. I'm a firm believer in the punishment should fit the crime, so I'm weighing my options. He's very anxious about what I may do. I just wish I knew enough bondage to do what I want to do.....

On the other hand, he has been SUCH a good slave and so considerate! He's complied with my wishes and directions, and really shown great initiative and imagination in trying to please me across the miles. I am so proud of him!! While there will be that one punishment, there will be many, many rewards! Some surprises he doesn't even know about yet!

But the big thing this weekend.....I will be officially collaring him! We are both VERY excited about this. This will be a very big step for both of us, but one I feel we are ready to take. A very special evening I hope it will be.

On a side note: I want to give special mention to Lorii and the great folks at Wyred Slave . Lorii has really been so wonderful and personable helping me with my order and I look forward to doing business with them again.

So, wish us luck this weekend!!!

A Contract

After much consideration and discussion, Loki and I have established some basic mutually agreeable guidelines. I really enjoy how open and frank our discussions have been. It has really helped me learn a lot about myself and I am a much more confident, self-assured person. I'd like to share a basic outline of our guidelines with you. I'd love to hear feedback anytime.
Trillian's and Loki's Guidelines.

Guidelines, protocols, fears... the mental side of things...

So now that Loki and I have spent some good quality time together, I think we can more rationally establish guidelines and protocols. Who knew so much went into a strong D/s relationship? I certainly have a much better understanding of their importance now, for both the Dom and the sub. Maybe it's naive to believe so (and I suspect highly controversial), but it seems like there is endless opportunity to customize the relationship. What (I think) I really like is the ability to clearly define expectations ahead of time and openly discuss wants/needs/likes/dislikes/fears. Outlining what type of repercussions/rewards might ensue leads to security it seems.

I hope to have time over the next several days to seriously consider how I want to structure this relationship. I imagine it might be blasphemous to say so in the opinion of many in the community, but I plan on working closely with Loki on this. I know he wants to please me as his Master, but I feel (and I think he expects) that I will not only provide him some structure and order to his life, but security as well. It is more than about sex and discipline in my opinion - although they provide a great deal of options and a lot of enjoyment. The trick, and what I am attempting to wrap my mind around, is how to incorporate seemingly diametrically opposed concepts of pain/discipline and pleasure/reward when they're all jumbled up together. Working on it...... I'll keep you all posted of how it goes.

Fears - well of course I have them. I don't feel it's appropriate to discuss them all here, thought, in front of Loki. Hope to find some like-minded D types to share my concerns with.

Been busy doing my homework!!

Wow - what an amazing weekend!! Check out Loki's Adventures for some juicy stories.

But for some more practical matters read on....

Becoming the Domme/Master I want to be is going to be hard work!!! The amazing thing, however, is I can see it transforming me in many ways. Primarily, I've become more confident and assertive at work, which is a good thing. I needed more of a backbone professionally. But also in my personal and home life in general, it's forcing me to be more responsible and less lazy. It's definitely forcing me to examine myself very closely emotionally and mentally, causing me to take stock of priorities.

I take this as a very serious commitment. I could not do something like this half-heartedly knowing that it would not only affect me, but my sub/puppy as well. And when I commit to something, I tend to dive in head first!!

Fortunately I've stumbed across some resources that have been extremely helpful so far. I'd like to share a few with you.

Podcasts:

• Power in Practice

Websites:

• Seek Dicipline
• FetLife
  
• IE: Slave Training vs.Internal Enslavement
• Power Play Academy looks promising
  

Books:

• The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
• Opening Up by Tristan Taormino (about open relationships

And that's just scratching the surface!!! I'll share more good links as I find them.

On Becoming a Master

So my Loki is finally here!
Our first evening together we started experimenting with some of our toys and feeling out our roles. We've started working with basic obedience commands and rule setting - learning what puppies can do and aren't allowed to do. Loki looks so irresistible with his collar on and tail in, I had to overcome the urge to take him on the spot! We've been playing with some bondage - well, OK, I've been trying to tie up my Houdini of a puppy. Need to work on it. But the motel room he's been in has been a bit prohibitively small and without great tying sites, and our time has been limited and complicated by non-role playing environments that we've had to interact in. I think maybe that's making it a bit harder to assume the Master/slave relationship. He's been seeing me in other roles and they are conflicting.

But today is a new day. Today, in less than 3 hours we will be on our own!! NOW I will assume command without question!

First order of business today will be to feed my puppy, in order to establish trust, respect and control. Then, I think, we'll to a vet check up, to make sure he's sound and healthy...
Check back soon! Juicer details to follow!

Waiting, Waiting...

It's almost here!! My puppy, Loki, arrives tomorrow to commence his training and consummate our relationship. Today we completed a Puppy Play Negotiation Form. this just helped confirm that we were interested in pursuing the same activities during our time together and clarifying and limits that needed to be established beforehand (thanks to MaePuppy and Scamp at Puppy Play Pride for the form and some good links).

We really enjoyed discussing our plans for the next few days, and teasing each other quite a bit! Loki surely does have a devilish side and I can see this is going to take a lot of tough love, patience and consistency on my part. I gave him a lot of food for thought. For instance, we discussed how the punishment for biting would likely include application of the gag, spanking and "time out" in the crate. Escaping from being "tied up" could lead to more extreme limb binding and possibly mummification. He says he's not looking forward to bath time, but I am!!! He says he's likely to be very bold in the tub. I have a few plans to distract him, however.

But today, I think what I will be doing most is anticipating that first contact as Master and puppy, when I can apply his collar for the first time. That will be so intense! Then, when we get "home" for the evening I can't wait to spend some time grooming and petting him. He has a butt plug tail, already, that he's been practicing with. Mixed satisfaction it sounds like on his part, but I think he just needs some loving kindness and a gentle hand to feel comfortable with it. And based on the pictures he's shared with me so far, I CANNOT wait to see him with it in!

The next 36 hours are going to be torture (especially for him, because I've assigned him the "homework" of not masturbating from now until we meet)! This will be his first real challenge, but I am anxious to begin proving myself as his Master, and thought this would be a good power-play way to start - and a not unreasonable goal I think. I went into great detail with him what special attention his cock would get if he managed to last until our encounter. He seemed to really enjoy that possibility. I described the punishment should he not comply - which would include some isolation in his crate, wearing of the gag, binding of his hands, and watching me masturbate while ignoring him. It will be interesting to see what he does!!

Back to sleep for a few more winks. I've also added a few links and reading ideas for you. I hope you enjoy!

An Introduction

My name is Trillian. To the man-on-the-street, I look like your typical busy, professional woman. I'm fairly well respected and have many friends. But, very few know the other side of me; some might say the darker side. I don't consider it dark. I don't even consider it especially deviant. But I do recognize that many people will disagree (or, at least profess that they disagree). I will let you make your own decision, dear reader. I just ask your indulgence in keeping an open mind at times.

I'd like you to meet somebody special to me. My puppy, Loki. Often a comment about owning a dog will elicit the question, "Oh, what type of dog is he?" Well, you might be surprised to learn that my puppy, Loki, is not even a canine. Let me explain....

Being an adventurous and single girl, I love to expand my horizons by meeting new people. One day, I was introduced by a friend to a handsome devil. It did not take long for the two of us to connect. Heavy flirting ensued and it was obvious there was some kind of mutual interest. He was playful and enthusiastic and just all around fun, he reminded me of a playful little puppy. At the end of the party, numbers were exchanged, promises of future meetings made.

Over the next few weeks, we talked many times. It turns out, he liked to think of himself as a puppy, too! In fact, he said, he was hoping to find a new mistress to care for him. A puppy needs a good strong leader - master or mistress- to help them understand the world and learn. And like all puppies, what a puppy-boy wants most is to please his mistress.

Hmmm - I considered this. The puppy-play idea was intriguing. I'd never thought of myself as a participant, but couldn't think of a good reason not to investigate at least.

Basically, what my puppy-boy was proposing was a Master/slave relationship. I don't want you to get the wrong idea though. I think those terms are misleading in many ways, at least in my conception of the roles. So - a little Master/slave 101 might be in order. Now, I fully confess to being a noob to this Domination/submission stuff, and there are many details I might not have quite "right" as considered by those experienced in the field. Therefore, I do not profess myself an expert by any measure. This blog is about my exploring new parts of my being and growing as a person.

As is my usual approach to something I don't know, I hit the books and the internet. Along with many titillating pictures and new fantasy ideas, here is what I came away with (For this discussion, I will group Dominant/submissive and Master/slave as the same thing and just use the abbreviation D/s, although there are some differences ):

• In a D/s relationship, one party (the sub) relinquishes control to the other (the Dom(me)). Control of what is negotiated by the parties involved and may vary.
  
• A D/s relationship is a consensual relationship. In a good, healthy D/s relationship, limits are set - many beforehand, and it is vitally important to both parties that all aspects of the relationship be consensual. This includes not only the sexual aspects of the relationship, but a lot of the practical and emotional aspects as well. (More on what constitutes "consensual" sex in another section.)
  
• Trust is crucial. As a submissive has to know they can trust their Dominant not to go too far and to stop if and when it is requested or appropriate. And the trust has to work both ways.
  
• Communication is key. If you can't communicate what your expectations of the relationship are, you can end up in a really bad situation or at least end up totally miserable.

Hmm - so... trust, communication, consent, upfront understanding of what the relationship entails? Wow! I don't think I've ever had all of those things in any vanilla relationship I've ever had. That sounds pretty good!

Now - the roles... I confess I've had fantasies since childhood of being bound and gagged and taken advantage of and humiliated, so when I had entertained the notion of D/s in the past, I always assumed I'd be the sub. In fact, the only time I ever even experimented "playing" at these roles, I would start out as the Domme, only to be overpowered by the supposed sub. Fun, yes, but not a true D/s relationship - just role play. And, I always though that since I have this professional, in-charge persona I wear all day that it would be relaxing to be the one surrendering control.

But here was a smart, handsome, funny man who for some reason finds me attractive as a potential "master" for his "puppy". Yes, me, a Domme. Let me reflect on this...
Pros:

• His desire is to please me, within the parameters we've defined ahead of time.
• In return for pleasing me, he requests my guidance and strength. Not that he can't take care of himself - he has proven that to me already - but he wants at least to know that within the parameters we've set I will be supportive and encouraging and a source of emotional strength and security.

Cons:

• What is the validity of this relationship? Is it "real"?
• I have to provide structure to at least portions of his life and be "responsible" for his well-being.

Lots of loosely defined words in there. They are left to the participants of the relationship to clarify. The depth of the submission can range from occasional role play to a very structured lifestyle. But as I see it:

1. I HATE being told what to do and will often be very resentful if made to comply to something I don't want
2. I've never been in a relationship where one person didn't make the majority of the decisions (well, one was close, and that was the one where we played at role-play -hmmmm - coincidence?), so why not let it be me. That way, if anything goes wrong, there is no blame-placing. I was in charge, it's my responsibility.
3. I tend to be a sucker for guys who need to be "rescued". I don't see this as the same thing. I know he doesn't NEED me to "rescue" him. He WANTs me to be supportive, but I get to fill that desire to help.
4. He wants to make me happy and that will make him happy? How can you beat that? I mean, that's what I always thought a good relationship was about - being happy with and for and because the other person is happy.

This is sounding really good to me. This is sounding way healthier than my previous relationships, that's for sure. Clear expectations, clear communications, trust and a mutual desire to meet the needs of the other person. I think we might be on to something. As I write this, I again recall my one previous toying with the concept of D/s: that partner really did try to communicate with me clearly about his expectations, I just wasn't emotionally ready to meet his needs. Another insight to me that implies this may be a very good thing.

So, where do Loki and I stand in this process? How are we defining these ambiguous terms? We are just beginning this journey. After about 3 weeks of discussion and planning, we are spending some time alone together soon. There has been a lot of back and forth, a lot of questioning and querying, clarifying and elaborating to make sure we are at least on the same page if not in the same paragraph metaphorically speaking. For now, the basic premise is that this is about the sex and exploring our mutual fantasies; otherwise this is an open relationship and we have to trust each other to be smart with any other relationships and maintain open communication while respecting each other's privacy. We hardly know each other, there is no appropriate way to commit to more in either of our minds. We know we have similar interest and fantasies in the sexual area and we have already discussed our personal comfort zones and limits. We have made provisions to make the sex as safe as possible. We have established a safe-word, a word that will stop all activity no matter what, if either of us feels uncomfortable.

This pending weekend together is to see how we mesh together and see if this might be a longer term commitment and to what level. Both of us are interested in pursuing a fairly intense level of D/s relationship at some point in our lives with the right partner. Neither of us is at a point where we could take it to the extreme, but both of us see the appeal in that potential. Neither of us want a partner who does not meet our needs: his need to be dominated by a strong, compassionate, deserving master and my need to have a willing submissive who wants and respects my guidance and compassion. Will I be deserving of his devotion? Will he be deserving of my compassion? Intense questions! This is NOT your average hook-up!

I can tell you, though, that even beginning this process of exploration has forced me to dig deep into myself, to explore my feelings and preconceptions and fantasies and expectations, And, quite frankly, it's been cathartic. I have had an incredible ego boost and feel so much more empowered that even 2 weeks ago.

So, looking back at my attempts at dating - through the internet, through friend introductions, through meeting on the bar scene - I have never once entered a relationship with such clear, mutual expectations of what is to come, or with such an intimate understanding and trust of the other party. I still know very little about him, so to say I trust him still seems odd, but I do.

Where will this all lead? We're not even really considering this dating. This is 2 friends having consensual sex. I'm trying hard not to make wild speculations, but I'm keeping my options open. For now - at least the sex is going to be interesting!

Speaking of sex..... The whole reason for that big wordy introduction was I felt that what will follow deserved some explanation. What Loki and I are planning to peruse is a form of D/s that, for now, involves role play where the sub is a dog and the Domme is the owner or master. This may be mind stretching for some of you, when we start throwing the sex acts in there. This is not AT ALL about bestiality. This is consensual sex between adults, one of whom likes to play at being a puppy.

That's it for the introduction. Now that all that boring stuff is over, the next blog will begin to share some of our experiences and fantasies. I'll let you decide which are which.